Faded Memories

Have you ever heard someone say "I will always remember when...”? My question is "How do you know?" What if one day you can't even remember your own granddaughter's name then some times you know exactly who she is as soon as she walks in the door. What if sometimes you can't remember anything that happened over the past 30 years? And sometimes you think that your home, what has been your home for more than 30 years isn't yours and you think "I have to go home!" so you grab your purse and walk out the door. You can't remember you’re sick because you can't remember anything that happened in the past several years. You say "let's go" and try to get out of your chair, but you legs fail you. Your family tells you "You can't right now. You've been in the hospital for several days and you aren't as strong as you used to be so you can't be as mobile." Then 5 minutes later you look at your granddaughter in her big sad eyes and say "come on let's go!" because you can't remember what she said 5 minutes before. You don't even know it but you are breaking your family's' heart because they can't help you. They can't make you understand that nothing is the same any more and that no, you can't have that Arby's sandwich because you have to eat pureed foods. So they tell you "here have some mashed potatoes instead". We know you are thinking "Mashed potatoes! How does that compared to a sandwich!?" You don't know it but your family cries for you because you aren't who you used to be. Yet some times for a brief minute you say something that is so like you. So witty that your family thinks "YOUR BACK! You are better" but you aren't. A few minutes later you are gone just as quickly as you came. You don't know it but your family misses you, who you really are.

My grandmother has Alzheimer's (she is only 74). This has been so hard on all of us as she had always been such an intelligent quick witted character. She loved to read and play crossword puzzles. She hasn't read in quite some time now and forget the crossword puzzles. It has moved quickly over the past year. Before then things were so much easier. We could have a conversation with her granted she may ask the same question a few minutes later, but I could do that. I could pretend I never said that to her and just repeat my answer, but this? I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to handle helping her to bed or in the door or out of her chair. I don't know how to handle her not being able to do what she wants or be able to remember simple words like "necklace". On the bright side she remembered that I had on a necklace last time I saw her and she was looking for it.

Last year at my wedding she told my mother "I know there are people here that I should know, but..." She couldn't place them. Where she knew them or how she knew them. So maybe she does know to some extent that nothing will ever be the same again. Every case is different from what I have been told. The doctor said there are 4 types of Alzheimer's and she has the kind that has mini stokes. Each one makes her set back. For those of you that don't have experience with Alzheimer patients the only way I can explain it is that they leave their body and sometimes they come back out of the blue and you think "There they are. That is the person I know." But they just go back to their confused state afterwards.

Because her mind is failing her I would like to document fun things she has said thus far. I will continue posting these as they happen.

The say before she went into to hospital for what we now know was a bladder infection. I was talking about her cold her hands were. She had been out of it since I got there. She was either almost asleep or confused then she woke up and looked at me and mumbled something. She does this more and more as she forgets what words to say. So I told her "Cold hands, warm heart" and she pipes up and says "dirty feet and no sweetheart!" loud and clear. I look over at my dad and we laughed together and so did she.

(From my dad) Her husband (she remarried after my grandfather passed away) had some beans planted in pots and someone was talking to him about how big they were getting and she pipes up and says "Yea, those will save on the grocery bill!"

Its these moments that remind us who she is Its these moments help get us from one bad day to another until she comes back to us a few minutes and reminds us she is still there.

My mom found this picture of my grandmother and I. It was about 10 years ago.